Tuesday, July 15, 2003 @ 12:00am | Entry no.255 | just another one of those fantasies ||   mood    awake   || ||   music    "best friend" _ toybox   || Yay! Another boy pops out of the woodworks to tell me he'd like to take me out. It was another old classmate from waaaayyy back when. Which brings it up to a lovely grand total of...eight boys who have been hitting on me and telling me I need to break up with my sweetie. Three of these I can completely write off, but the other five.. they make me think a little more. They're oh-so-cute and oh-so-nice. Now one of these guys, I know I could bag in a second. It's funny, because we're sitting there fighting each other over who's going to call who, because as usual, I'm phone shy, and he's just lazy, so he tells me to text message his cell, and then call once he gives the okay. Yeah, right. But he'd be no fun, if you already know the fun part of the chase is over. He'd make a really good boyfriend though, so I'm kind of jealous of his future gf because I know she'll be so happy. ((sighs)) Now where were all these boys when I was single? I remember this was what happened in my last relationship. It's not until their territority is threatened, that's when they finally say something. Silly little boys. Lol, next time, I'll just pretend, and make up a boyfriend, and then ((boom)) I'll trap those tricky little suckers. Haha. That won't work though. As dense and slow as they are, they all have this little built in radar, because they always seem to know the exact moment to say the wrong thing to screw a girl all up. Haha, I've been discussing with my sweetie if I could have "other" guys. He's not too keen on the idea of sharing his girlfriend, but I already told him I'll let him do it, as in bring girls in the relationship. [even though I'm 100% straight]. I think I'm getting some leeway with at least allowing me to introduce a virgin into our sex life. Well, I don't know if we're going to be actually doing that... I'm teetering on half kidding around.. and being somewhat serious, because I would like to experience a threesome. It's not fair. My sweetie had a few in his day, it's MY turn to have some fun. Now watch the opportunity come up and I completely freeze and run away. For all my talk, I'm still so shy, and very hestiant when trying out new things with new people. I get embarrassed so easily. I guess somethings don't change from my younger days. My mother's idea of having a "talk" with me when I first got my period was as follows. "You have your period now. You're a young woman and you shouldn't ever go around kissing boys because you'll get pregnant" Sure, mom. If it weren't for TV and perverted friends.. and well.. the "wrong" crowd. I would have grown up terrified to kiss boys for fear of getting knocked up. I know so much better now, and I even get my little girly friends to ask me for advice. Ah, the good old days. Eek. more long posts. Many apologies for going on about nothing. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 @ 09:49am | Entry no.256 | troubles ||   mood    tired   || ||   music    "no sleep" _toybox   || haha. I'm being such a silly little bint because I'm jealous, jealous and threatened, because now MY territory is being violated. I'm just crazy, insane, "I want to go stalking some people" jealous. Gosh darn it, when I claim property of my boys, they stay mine. I don't like sharing them with anyone. And once I do hear that they're not just my boys anymore, I hate it, I want to work even harder to make them mine again. Yes, it'll be a bit tough... but I could make them all mine again. All mine! Precious... I am so greedy, I can't have them, but I'll be damned if I'll lose them. My poor sweetie, the things he'll have to put up with because his girlfriend's stalking other boys. I'm surprised that he's even going out with me, considering how crazy I get. But then again, he hasn't seen me completely freaked out and psychotic... yet... ((cries)) I hate having to share my guys! damnit, I need to just stay away from boys for a little while, and see if that does me any good. Probably won't, that'll probably drive them into the arms of others and then I'll lack pretty little boy-toys to play with. I like my boy-toys. Especially one special boy-toy. He's pretty. He scares me though, well, not scare-scare... but still kind of scare. Okay, I'm not making any sense. But then again, it's almost 10 and I haven't been to sleep yet. It's no surprise I'm all over the place. I think it's time for a nap.. or time for a movie. <33 toodles note ((giggles)) I called him! I called him! The silly boy messaged my phone and then I messaged him and he messaged back... and I was in the process of answering when I realized that I could just call him. He's so cute. Bah humbug! I'm entirely way too boy-crazy for my own good. Really leaving now. ( 2 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 @ 08:05pm | Entry no.257 | Premature enlightenment? Please, it'll probably be more along the line of premature ejaculation. ||   mood    cynical   || ||   music    "bad touch" _ bloodhound gang   || Yes, I have sex on the brain again, but surprisingly, it's not something perverted or remotely sexual. I've got to thinking more about the whole, sex without love issue, and the whole societal enforced stigmata that women aren't able to have casual sex without the fear of being branded a whore. I've had plenty of sexual experiences in my lifetime; some were good, some were bad, some were mind-blowing and some I wish that I could just take a wire brush and scrub my brain clean. It was just that bad. I've had sex safely in the confines of a relationship, where I was deeply in love and committed to the person, and I've had sex outside of it, where my whole mentality was, "Okay, I want you, you want me, but I don't want anything to do with you. Once we're done, I don't want you to pretend you care, because I don't. Don't kiss me, don't touch me, I don't want to cuddle, just fuck me, okay? Okay." What's my point? Sex is just sex, why must there be so many ties and complications about it? Why can't it just be about the enjoyment and pleasure of two people? I realize I may be rather cold and harsh, but why is it expected that when women have sex, we're automatically "in love" with the partner? Men can just write it off as "just another lay", and not think twice about it. Just because we're bumping pelvises doesn't make us feel newly enlightened about the standing of where "we" now stand. Sex fell apart when people starting thinking about the importance of it, and touting it as something that needed to be done only when the two people care about each other. Well, yeah, how about when we care about "getting off"? Does that count? I'm lucky enough to realize that love and sex are not the same thing. Sure, if we're fortunate enough, there's some emotion and level of caring shared by the partners, but most of the time, males are out for one thing, their own pleasure. Why is that women can't do the same? I realize I sound pretty jaded, but think about this, if a man were to go on this little tirade, would you be thinking the same thing, that they were jaded? It just hit me one day, there is just not enough time to deal with all the bullshit that men can [and will] say to get into a woman's panties. And then women have to do the whole little song and dance, pretend that sex is something that don't want, and make the man wait a certain amount of dates, because that's what the "rules" say. Women afraid if they let the act happen too early in the relationship, that, 1.) they'll lose the respect of their partner, 2.) labeled a whore, and/or 3.) they'll get dumped. Lovely. Well, screw all that. Better to know early on exactly what you're getting into rather than waste both your time on something that has no future and will most likely lead to a lot of pain. Have sex right off the bat, what better way to get to know a person when you're all naked? Damnit, why aren't we able to do whatever please? Because of society; it dictates our behavior in the world. Women, we're supposed to be docile and sweet; men, they're all grizzly and "me Tarzan, you Jane". Sex evolved from something beautiful and natural to something that's considered dirty and needed to be hidden from the eyes of the world, to something that's less shameful, but only for the men. Women are still expected to behave all proper and ladylike. Why do we go through the whole act of a relationship? What if in the end, after all that time was spent, that the sex was just that bad? What then? The relationship starts deteriorating; both partners start looking elsewhere. And you're stuck right back in the beginning; nothing's changed except that you're older and now you have even less time to enjoy yourself. I think entirely way too much about trivial things. And I've probably made myself out to be a whore of some sort. Yeah, well if you think that, then you need to open your mind up just a tad bit. I should be pretentious and say something along the lines of I am enlightened., but no, I'm okay. I'm just ranting and raving about something I've been thinking about for a little while. ((smiles)) I'll probably get quite a few IMs pertaining to this entry. Oh well. <33 toodles ( 2 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )